Thinking Too Much
It's 9:15 on a Monday evening and, even though I was hoping for an early night before tomorrow morning's five hour bus trip to Ayuthaya, I'm feeling restless. I'm also doing something I haven't done in a long time... I'm sitting down with a pen and paper and I'm writing. Sometimes I get sick of being so sensitive. Actually, make that all the time. I've been in Thailand for three days now and my head's already flooded with more thoughts than usual. This is exactly the reason I'm grateful to NBC for placing me on this show--JYA is the perfect outlet for my thoughts and I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy my travels as much as I have without it.
Everytime I start a blog, I envision a list of things I want to cover. Inevitably, I leave things out and this leads to ideas for my next blog. Thankfully, I don't run out of ideas very often. I've been thinking a lot about my future lately and, even with all the potential and opportunity I know I have, I'm worried. Grad school--where? When? What will I study? Law school? GREs? Grades, relationships, family--it doesn't stop. I noticed that I worry about my responsibilities even more when I'm thousands of miles away from them. Isn't that interesting? I suppose its because seeing people prostituting themselves and living under bridges has made me more self-aware. The funny thing is that I'm aware of all these things--of how much suffering there is in the world--and yet seeing poverty in the U.S. or here in Asia at home on the news didn't do the trick. Exploring this country has been, in a word, eye-opening.
It's impossible not to wonder what's going through the mind of an elderly, toothless woman selling chickens on the side of a road in Bangkok. I can only guess it's not much different that what an upper middle class American mother thinks about on a daily basis--What am I going to feed my family for dinner? At the least this American woman doesn't have to worry about how she's going to do it. I have a thousand questions: Is it really impossible for a young, impoverished person in a Second (or Third, for that matter) country like Thailand to better their lives? I've heard countless stories of rags-to-riches stories of every kind. Maybe this person likes living this way because they don't know any better? Surely they must have a friend or a relative who can give them a job in a Thai restaurant somewhere far away from here?
Whenever I start feeling too guilty or self-righteous, I try to take a step back. I've seen the encroachment of Westernization and I wonder what the average Thai thinks about this. It's considered fashionable in Asia to wear clothing with English writing on it but do people know what the words on their t-shirts mean? Why do many companies advertise their products in English with small Thai lettering underneath rather than the other way around? Do the economic benefits outweigh all else? Maybe Thais feel their language or their culture is being threatened by an endless barrage of Coke and Pepsi advertisements. The more I try to learn about the world, the less I realize I know. I've been reading a lot of travel writing lately, especially by Bill Bryson. On my way here, I started reading an armchair science guide he wrote called "A Short History of Nearly Everything," and, as the title would suggest, it's only making me aware of how many things I don't understand. His writing style though has helped me to see why you have to see the world in order to understand your place in it. Questioning something is the first step to understanding it and so I can only assume (and hope) that I am on my way.
Perhaps I'm being overly analytical. Yes, the figures about the disadvantages in Asia are staggering but maybe they are missing the quintessential human element. Many of the stray dogs I've seen perk up when I pay them a glance. Children playing soccer in the streets look malnourished and yet they smile and say hello when I walk by. I'm being totally serious. I don't believe every person in Thailand less fortunate than I am is out to get me or sell me something. I feel safe here so I can't believe people are only friendly because they want my business or my wallet. Does the laborer who waves to me from the back of a truck necessarily know that I brought more unnecessary clothing than he might own? Can it be possible that not only the majority of my emotions, but many of the movements in wealthy countries designed to help the world's poor, have been wrong?
People criticize Americans for being spoiled and, while we hold a disproportionate amount of the world's wealth, we're still a generally philanthropic nation. I'm starting to think I've been programmed to feel guilty by the media and by overzealous activists on my campus. I can understand whyt some people have no desire to travel--maybe they figure they can't handle what they'll see and that they won't enjoy their trip. This would certainly explain the popularity of Cancun.
The bottom line is that I'm sure I'll continue to obsess about myself long after I leave here. Even after I see more of the world, I'm sure little is going to change. It's maddening and comforting at the same time since, at this very moment, I'm quite confident I'll keep worrying when I have few real things to worry about. Let's just hope I'm wrong.
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